Dying Dreams

A few years ago, I learned that the dreams I had for my life needed to be replaced by God's plans for me.  It's a hard truth.  Having what easily becomes an idol taken from you is very painful.

I realized dreams needed to be transformed into new dreams for God's purposes.  Not that some of my dreams were ungodly inherently, they just didn't happen to be God's plans for that time in my life.  

My definition of "dream" is a wish, a desire for certain things, even goals for things such as jobs, motherhood, marriage, etc. It could be a particular personal accomplishment, such as travel or a degree.  The metamorphosis of those good goals into a higher purpose induces suffering.  And suffering produces sanctification and ultimately joy.  Truly, how it works is a mystery.  Dreams are good, as long as they are Jesus' will for us.  And sometimes, it's about the process, not the destination. 

Still, questions remain.  Why does God allow some dreams to come true for people and not for others?  How do we know when a dream is God-centered?  Is it okay to dream, to have goals, wishes?    

As I look at my own heart, and ask these questions, I'm disturbed.  My thoughts center around pleading with God to make me functional, at least.   I've gone from thinking I was dying, and wanting to die, to greater joy, and back to desperation.  I find my dreams HAVE changed.  While once I dreamed of travelling freely, and going back to school, etc. I've returned to my dreams centering mostly around my health.  The state of my heart is hard.  I'm not open to God's will when it seems to involve so much suffering.  Self-pity sets in and I wonder why I dream in the first place.  I feel beaten into withdrawing and cowering at the pain a dream begins to create.  They used to be enjoyable, and now they are sorrowful, unfulfilled longings.  I truly wonder what will happen to me in the long run.  

A bone weariness of the heart has set in.  I've hit a wall and can't seem to crawl, much less run again. And the dreams.  They sit there, feeling like pie in the sky.

People in the Bible dreamed, wished, made goals, too.  And many of them watched those dreams die. Some of them never saw their dreams come to fruition, but Heaven.  Some of them were given new dreams.    

My dream is to be functional, on an on-going basis.  Jesus, make my dream focused and transformed by Your grace and peace.  Give my heart a new song, keep it from hardness.  Suffering can either create hard hearts or soft ones, and I pray mine becomes soft.  To be able to say, "Your will be done."  May that be my Lyme dream.  

I don't have the answers to the questions I posed, but I rest in that He does.